I find it upsetting that my loved one is still awaiting a true burial. I also find it disturbing to have to face the pretty jar that holds her remains whenever I visit her former home. It pollutes the air with a sense of unresolved loss.
Unfortunately, I do not control the ashes. The person who does possess them has chosen to wait.
But what on earth does this have to do with hauntings?
Simple. Ashes are bad juju. They have nothing to do with the person you lost. At best, when you lose someone, you have your memories. Maybe you also have a few souvenirs from the good times you shared. That's it. That's all anyone gets. Hanging on to their charred remains does not do anyone any good; not the deceased, and not you.
What is this hang-up we have? And why is it condoned? It is not proof of undying love. Instead, it is a powerful expression of a psyche that is unwilling to let go. Burial is important. It grants closure, a chance to accept the finality of what has happened. Willfully refusing to bury the dead is not healthy behavior.
Historically, societies have understood the importance of separating the dead from the living. Some cultures, such as the Egyptians, embalmed the deceased, but then they stored the bodies far away from the living. The dead were laid to rest in Cairo Necropolis, the City of the Dead. Burial, cremation, embalming, etc. have been important methods to not only protect the physical health of the living, but also their mental health.
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust...
Not ash to urn, urn to mantel. When we hold on to what is essentially death in a jar, we are refusing to let go of a loved one. We must let go, so that the spirit is free to move on. And so that we may also be free. There is nothing new in any of this, except maybe our willingness to honor the cycle.
Ashes are potent conductors of spiritual energy. Holding on to ashes may not guarantee a haunting, but it certainly will not help. Maybe this is why people do it. Perhaps they wish to be haunted by the spirit of a loved one. They may believe that it's the only way to keep a piece of that person in their lives.
I say hold fast to your memories, especially the good ones. Hauntings are not positive events, even if it is the ghost of a loved one. Hauntings should never be encouraged, regardless of the reasons. It is not fair to the living or the deceased. Aesop said, "We would often be sorry if our wishes were gratified." And so it is.
It is important to know that the cremation of human and animal remains does not result in benign, soft ash. Instead, it is a heavy, oily, viscous substance. It is unpleasant to deal with, but deal with it, you must.
I also do not recommend splitting the ashes between two or three locations. Would you do this to a body about to be buried? Of course not. Pick a place that everyone involved can live with (this may require some discussion and compromise) and just do it. You remember your loved one as a whole person, so bury them as one.
After my recent loss, it was suggested to me that I should consider a new trend. Apparently, you can now split ashes and have them fired into crystals, which you can then wear as jewelry. I was dumbstruck. I had no idea what to say. Please do not consider this. It is not an act of love. Would you wear a dismembered hand as a rememberance (Jaime Lannister notwithstanding)? This action will have a catalyzing effect on your inability to let go and the spiritual energy contained therein. Remember the old adage: If you love something, let it go.
I say again, ashes are bad juju. Breathe deep and let go. Say goodbye for real. It is the only way to heal. Look to the seahorses. "With every dawn, when first light penetrates the sea, many seahorse colonies perform a dance to the sun (Rob Brezsny, 'Pronoia')." Do not wallow in the darkness of death. Celebrate life.
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